Hello Internet

It's been a while hasn't it. Well, an update. You won't see me again.

That doesn't sound depressing, doesn't it. But, it's partially true. If you go to NC State, you won't see me attending classes there, at least for undergrad. I was coerced have decided to stay here in Charlotte, and get my Mechanical Engineering here. Which means I essentially wasted a semester here. Taking freaking BS Biology. I just hope to get out of that class with a C, hopefully a B now...
I don't like it, but I still need the support of my parents for a lot of things, and I was informed that that support would go away if I returned, and, I'd be practically a senior before I could matriculate, which we all know is not good. So stay here, start anew, get a job, and work myself to the bone in school. I have got to do well, it is my last chance. And I know I can do it. Do this, and maybe Go back to State for a Masters or something like that.

Once I get a job here, I will be doing my best to visit you cool peeps there at State, you level headed successes you. I haven't told my mother this yet, but I know she expects it. Hopefully, with this, I will prove to myself, and her, that I am not an utter failure. I know she doesn't really feel that, but sometimes it feels like she does.

In the meantime, I've started trading stocks. In Circuit City, Yahoo, and Wells Fargo. Ya'll have any suggestions? Places that are cheap, and may be going up within six months?



-Pineapple

Gravity. Or should I talk about Coulomb Forces?

Gravity, because that's what one usually associates with something heavy on the mind, or heart. But that doesn't really apply to me, because I passed the first level of physics, so gravity is behind me, and Coulombs is the new thing. It had actually yet to hit me, probably because I escaped to State last weekend, but this weekend, home was essentially unavoidable. And, so home I stayed. Except for Friday night, when I chilled with some friends and played HALO 3 for quite a few hours. It was that, or go to a Brisingr book release, which I actually really wanted to do, but caught up in Magic: The Gathering TCG. Really fun, and another thing I wish I could do more here.
It.
Is.
Boring.
Here.
I have come to realize that I am completely not used to this, the soloness of being here. At State, I was rarely alone for more than an hour or two on a weekend, and have grown very accustomed to that lifestyle. I hate being alone, probably one of the worst things in the world for me, and today, that's what happened. I figured I would try to be productive, and get some Physics homework done, but I did not understand it, tried to read the book, and went cross-eyed, and when I thought I could be confident in an answer, it turned out to be wrong. All in all, a rather unproductive session. So, I watched about 7 episodes of Rosario + Vampire, Season one, finishing it, and am looking forward to Season 2 being subbed, as well as the manga scans. That is not a well spent day. I did go to a friends house, and chilled with some for a couple of hours, but, they are church friends. And I know I am not "fit" for their company anymore. I am a heathen, according to how I have been raised, and I am not sure I really want to not be. Which puts me at further odds with myself, because now I am unsure about post mortem consequences, which I do believe in, but am not ready to "come clean". Life rather sucks to me right now. And mistakes made in Raleigh, I have to come to terms with that, and brace for the worst case senario, which seems like it will happen, and I am scared about that, too much responsibility, yet ones I must bear. I need to do Chemistry and Biology work tomorrow, as well as secure a job soon. I want/need money for revisiting State, as well as Magic, and random outings with friends. Speaking of friends, I need help making them, I don't really know how, I think, and have to be more extroverted than I am used to being with strangers, and that is a bit intimidating. My intentions are not snow white, but mainly, I just want people to hang out with on weekends, or weekend nights... Being home constantly will drive me insane. But I guess above all of that, I need to know what the hell is going on in Physics. I don't want that class to end my college career, I am not ready for it to end.


Also, to whoever reads this series of gripes and complaints, where'd you go, from the first to this one, did the topic get too sour to stay around?


-Pineapple

Getting more personal than I would have liked.

Well, last night I saw Death Race, and I liked it a lot, I thought it was well done, and superbly executed. However, when I came home, I went to my computer, and well, just sat here. It kinda hit me then. There's nothing for me to do. I am alone here. And I guess that is what I knew, subconsciously for a while, until, completely alone, with nothing but Ronald Jenkees playing in the background that there really is nothing for me to do. I get bored easily, and with school not fully fired up yet, I have just wound up doing the, essentially, same stuff, over and over again. And that get monotonous. I miss the spontaneity of State, and a lot of the random things I could do on campus with friends. I looked through my contacts list last night, and felt that I could not call anyone, they all belong in what may as well be a different dimension. No one to really turn to. The few friends I have here all have lives, or don't have a means to just get up and go somewhere. I may just wind up having to get a degree at Charlotte, but I am still wanting to hold out for State. I'm thinking I should just cut my losses, I'll be too far behind anyway, but I really don't want to. Or mentally can't. And that's an issue that has been brought up many a time, me being immature, and not giving up on the lost cause that is State. But I don't feel I can. Doing that may help me out, in growing, but I won't stop trying, because this feeling simply sucks. Here I will work, and study, and get into better habits. Take a few credit hours, and see if State will have me back. I have to go there, it seems. In order for me not to go insane. And, I KNOW I am blowing this out of proportion, that not going there is not going to kill me, but I really just don't feel right here. I cannot get over that feeling. Sure, it may mean that I am immature, and if that is what it is, so be it. I am immature. I've been called that a lot, and I won't let it get to me. I wasted my time there once, and if I get back, I know how not to do that. I am meant for college, and I will get an engineering degree. I would prefer, and love to get one from NCSU, but if there is no way I can get one from there, then I would be willing to get one from UNCC.

I guess I also need stock market help, so if you know how to do that, and are savvy, and willing to get me savvy-ish as well, that would be appreciated.

My current state of affairs.

Well, the final nail is in the coffin, and things are finalized. The verdict being: "I am unhappy with my life right now". That is not saying I am in complete and total shambles, but where I am. And to you shapeless internet reading this, as a hope to pry into my inner thoughts, my sacred sanctum, I will release this shocker of information. I knew I was not going to be back. In the fine print of a loan, it said to pay back what does not go to the school of origination. So, I am sorry for those I deceived, as myself was deceived for a time. I tried, maybe not my hardest, and from the get go, but I put effort into it. So now that my fate is sealed, and I am bound to Charlotte, I will make the best of the situation. I will start by getting a job. And I know I had been applying earlier, but I had held out on one key contact, at least until I came back from my State visit. And now, since that will NOT happen in the Fall, I have called, and got the ball rolling, I hope to be employed within 2 weeks. Maybe, just maybe, I can get parole for good behavior(grades), and have a visit in the Spring, but I am, for once, not optimistic about the situation. Mother dearest may not see the importance in me seeing my wolf friends. I know if you don't know me, this is a VERY confusing and random entry, as it really is meant for only a few people, cryptically loquaciously encoded with double meanings and undertones. Or not. But for those who understand the true depth of this stream of consciousness, I am sorry for what I have done, and would like nothing more than to fix it all, and make it better.

-Pineapple

What to say?

I really don't know, I had plans for this post earlier, but then went to Orientation, and forgot what I had intended to say, so I guess I'll go with a stream of consciousness feel with this one...

I like music. A lot. Well, when I think about it, it may not just be music, but noise that makes sense. That has a meaning to it, a bit of purpose. Not things similar to white noise, to me, it's just not enough, an insubstantial annoyance. Music, or talk radio. I, a college student, realize I do not get enough news, so now that I am home, I am making the effort to listen to more NPR, even scratchy voiced Diane [*sp] Rheame. I am picking up tidbits here and there, working on becoming a better and more informed American. But I still don't really care as much as I should. Back to music... The chill stuff is what I prefer, things that do not need words to draw good feelings. And I find a lot of it, and I like it. People say I'm a chill guy, and then listen to my music, and say, "Oh, I see why." But, why do I have to be chill based off of my music, why can't I be inherently chill, and draw the chill music to me as an outlet of my internal chillness? Silly assumptions.

Man. I'm home, and this sucks. I'd rather be back at NCSU, but I did not do enough. And with that, I give a former place. Should you know where it is. I do plan on going back, and hopefully doing it right this time, and actually stay until graduation. Well, time to do something else. I kinda hate writing, but that's for another blog. Oh, and I guess IF anyone reads these, what would you want to hear about? I don't know if I should give the internet that freedom, but I am, so shoot.