The Passion of the Pines

I find that a bit funny, at least a little bit, because I believe I have no passion, about anything. You may think that is impossible, but I am quite sure that I do not. I have not much drive for anything, to be specialized in any field. I guess I'll have to say what passion is for me. Passion would be liking something, or wanting something. And then having the urge, the drive, the discipline to act on it. To go out and learn about it, to gain more information about it, and begin to form ones own educated opinions about the subject. To become a small professional about the subject. There are lots of things that I like, and want. But I find I don't really have the drive, I am not passionate enough about them to do something about it. I have friends who have passions, everyone around me seems to have one, or more, and I can see it in their faces, hear it in their voice when they talk about that subject. And I wonder, what am I missing, what do I not have that they do, where did I go wrong?
I can't answer that. But, I think I am ok with my lack of passion. It does make me feel aimless, which I may be, but, I'll figure something out. Probably.

And the blog feels cut short. I lost my train of thought about halfway through. Taxes, and my super-slow comp on the mind.




-Pineapple

Push it forward! NO, PULL IT BACK!!!

This will be an entropic conglomeration of internal and external thoughts about myself, as I pertain to females.
Things I have come to realize, and that have been told to me, and there may [WILL] be more discoveries along the way, so I may be forever editing this blog, or make new ones, and call them chapters.
One thing a friend once told me was that, I am too forward. I have been thinking about it ever since he told me that, a few weeks ago, and, I have come to the conclusion that, he is right. I am not "sneaky" enough. I let my intentions be known too quickly, too easily. Why, I am not sure. It may come from the fact that I don't really keep secrets about myself very well. Everyone else, I am their Fort Knox, but when it comes to me personally, I don't really care, letting things known to people, mainly people I feel can be trusted with the information... I simply don't go telling strangers every and anything, but those close to me, I don't think I tend to keep many secrets about myself, I'm a rather open fellow. I am an open book, and that, may be a reason I am still single. Yes, it all returns to that, but it is something that is always on my mind. And to be honest, at this point, this stage in my life, with how I am now, and how things have wound up, I really do not know if I want a girlfriend, or a friend with benefits. I know my hormones are raging, and I know the "end result" of what I desire, but, what I don't know, is how far "deep" I want to go. Do I want a relationship with a purely and solely carnal basis, or one that has deep significance? And to be honest, I'm not feeling either extreme right now. I would prefer a good friend, someone who I can talk to about problems, and have their emotional load dumped on as well, with a carnal aspect as well. Yea, all those who read this, who I imagine, is actually quite few, will probably be pushed away, unless this was already known. At least, the females.

Oh, actually, they would not be pushed from that, but this instead. My realization about myself. This will not come out to coherent, in my opinion, but I will try my best. And actually, those who know me, probably know this, but I don't think of women as I "should". Well, Pineapple, what on this green earth does that mean? Well, I guess I should say first what I think women "should" be thought as. As people. That wasn't too hard, wasn't it? Now, I do not mean I don't think of women as people. That is far from it. Well frack, this is not coherent at all... But I persevere. If you follow this, kudos. I think only a few will. I guess the easiest way may easily be to say "conquests"? But that is still not right. Dang. Um, stream of consciousness going on here. Most of my female friends, I would have sex with. Most, if you don't know if you are one, your are dense, or I wouldn't :-). I guess that is the easiest way to say it. And I'm pretty sure, the 2-3 who read this, will probably put me on blast...
And I think that is one reason why I feel I have trouble making female friends, because I want to talk to the ones I wouldn't mind... being with, and want to approach them with that in mind, but know that is not the way to approach a female, so I don't. I am thinking back now, and I think all of my female friends, started off as friends of another, or we were in a forced situation together, or a combination of the two. But now, yea, they are great people, and I like talking to them, but because of my mindset, I don't think I can, I have a problem with, having a one on one conversation, as in simply shooting the breeze with them, by myself. I can't talk to them, without thinking of what I would like to happen. Which I know will not happen. Which is I guess depressing, and unhappy. So I don't make female friends, by myself, often. I am always the third wheel in a group, and may, or may not be, introduced to the person.

Something that maybe I should change, but can't. So I stay like this, because, I don't meet any female, on my own, and certainly, none who think like I do. At least I don't think so, because I don't talk about that kind of thing with the female friends I do have, because it is, to me, a taboo area. Yep, I'm fracked.




-Pineapple

A new direction/Needs and wants.

Curse the new president for ruining the word, but things have got to change. For me, personally. I honestly am not worried about the macro scale of things, I just know that things have got to change on a "micro" level, on my own personal level. I don't know what time this blog thing is on, but I am writing this at 0451 EST. I don't really feel sleepy, but I was, about 2 hours ago. Then my mother came and woke me up, complaining about how I am, and basically that I slept, played HALO, and went to bed, without doing the dishes. That was at 0320. I tried to go back to sleep, but couldn't, so I got up, went downstairs and did the dishes, and straightened up the kitchen a bit. But, back to change, and I guess the best way for me to go about it is to make the list, the other part of the title for this entry.

I want to do well in school.
I need to do my homework.
I want to have fun.
I need to do well in school.
I need to stop playing so many games.
I want to have more of a social life.
I need a job.
I [feel] I need to get out of this house. {That's probably more of a want.}
I want a significant other.
I need to focus.
I need to be more responsible.
I need to grow up.
I need to follow the rules of were I am. {Which is currently with my family.}
I need to do undergraduate research.

There are things getting in the way of some of those. Some are things that are difficult to change, some are near impossible for me, but I don't believe it is completely impossible, so do them I will try my best to.

And I think, one of the major inhibitors, at this point in time, is World of Warcraft. So, I have canceled payment to my account, and the last day I will be able to play will be 2/15. I plan to stop, personally, well before then. I may log on a few more times, and tell the friends I have made there goodbye. And then I will actually erase the folder from my computer, forcing me to not play. If I want to again, I will have to sit through over 10 gigs of downloads on a wireless connection. Thanks, but no thanks, it should not be that worth it to me. With Warcraft gone, I think I will have no choice BUT to focus more on schoolwork. This semester, I think is going to be the most challenging for me yet, and I am determined to get through it, and with passing grades in all of my classes. I am quite certain I can do it, but it is going to require a lot of time outside of class doing class related things, something that I never did too well, which caused me to return to Charlotte in the first place.
I'm not a kid anymore, I just can't sit idly by, and let life direct me. Sure, I believe I am simply in a boat, floating down Life's river, but, I have oars in my hand, and I will make damn sure that I direct myself down the path that is not leading to the waterfall, ending in bone-splitting rocks. I have already had a setback, and should not, will not tolerate any more. I don't need to, I can do better. So I will. I will prove to myself, my mother, and everyone around me that I can do it. That I will make something useful, and productive of myself.

It will happen, just you wait.

It is 0512, as I end this.





-Pineapple

Once again into the mind of Pines.

Happy new year, and Merry Christmas. It's been a while hasn't it Internet? I would agree it has. I blame it on WoW, which, as many of you know, takes over ones life. Why am I not playing now? Because I have commissioned a friend to play for me, to regain motivation to play my main. I guess, I am "grounding" myself from WoW. Oh, and if you do not yet know what that is, it is World of Warcraft. A rather fun, and intriguing online computer game. And I have also recieved an Xbox 360. The world conspires against my schooling, and what a time to do it too! Since this semester I am taking Organic Chemistry 1, and I don't know if you have heard horror stories, but I'm pretty sure this class is the sole source of 17.6248% of Asian student suicide, so it is a dagnam beast. And, I am returning to the genre of class I hate, what at State is called humanities, and here, at UNCC, is called Liberal Studies. Taking a music studies course, and a course on Hinduism. Which is wierd, because what I signed up for was "Global Connections". Not sure what happened in the world, but I had no idea that Global Connections=Study of Hinduism. But oh well, I will go, and roll with the punches, and what they throw at me. This first week was rocky, mainly because I don't have all my books, but they should all be here by Monday, and I will be ready to own and destroy the semester. I am a bit worried about my Basic engineering class, because there is a writing assignment, due in six weeks, with which I will have to put in a lot of thought, time, and research. And that is just not me. It is bad enough that I have to write, for 2 other classes, but, again, I cannot do anything but persevere, and do my work.
My plan is to get Straight A's this semester. And to hang out with a lot more Asians... Ok, maybe not so much the second part. It would be awesome, and I might get smarter, but I feel socially awkward, and would not know how to operate. I am very self conscious, and a people pleaser. I like to make people happy, and don't know how to meet new people. I am afraid to go out there and introduce myself. It's just something I'll have to get over. Or suffer forever with.

Oh yea, And get a job, that's really freaking high on the list too. As well as...some other...stuff.

Alright Internet, I think that is all for now. I will take my leave, and hope to return you sooner than I previously had.



-Pineapple

On the subject of females.

I believe I am rather unlucky/unfortunate. They are all taken, or lesbian. Such is my plight.

That is all, for now.

Hot damn, a problem, an explanation.



-Pineapple

Life Change

I think...That I am not cut out for Mechanical Engineering. I am seriously contemplating switching to a B.S. in Chemistry From UNCC. It seems to me like a cop-out, but I don't think I can handle that right now. Do that and get a Master's in Chemical Engineering or something of the like at State or something, but that is what I am thinking right now. What to you, oh great internet, think?

Oh, and here are the requirements.

The Required Classes.


What Those Classes Mean.


-Pineapple

Hello Internet

It's been a while hasn't it. Well, an update. You won't see me again.

That doesn't sound depressing, doesn't it. But, it's partially true. If you go to NC State, you won't see me attending classes there, at least for undergrad. I was coerced have decided to stay here in Charlotte, and get my Mechanical Engineering here. Which means I essentially wasted a semester here. Taking freaking BS Biology. I just hope to get out of that class with a C, hopefully a B now...
I don't like it, but I still need the support of my parents for a lot of things, and I was informed that that support would go away if I returned, and, I'd be practically a senior before I could matriculate, which we all know is not good. So stay here, start anew, get a job, and work myself to the bone in school. I have got to do well, it is my last chance. And I know I can do it. Do this, and maybe Go back to State for a Masters or something like that.

Once I get a job here, I will be doing my best to visit you cool peeps there at State, you level headed successes you. I haven't told my mother this yet, but I know she expects it. Hopefully, with this, I will prove to myself, and her, that I am not an utter failure. I know she doesn't really feel that, but sometimes it feels like she does.

In the meantime, I've started trading stocks. In Circuit City, Yahoo, and Wells Fargo. Ya'll have any suggestions? Places that are cheap, and may be going up within six months?



-Pineapple