Push it forward! NO, PULL IT BACK!!!

This will be an entropic conglomeration of internal and external thoughts about myself, as I pertain to females.
Things I have come to realize, and that have been told to me, and there may [WILL] be more discoveries along the way, so I may be forever editing this blog, or make new ones, and call them chapters.
One thing a friend once told me was that, I am too forward. I have been thinking about it ever since he told me that, a few weeks ago, and, I have come to the conclusion that, he is right. I am not "sneaky" enough. I let my intentions be known too quickly, too easily. Why, I am not sure. It may come from the fact that I don't really keep secrets about myself very well. Everyone else, I am their Fort Knox, but when it comes to me personally, I don't really care, letting things known to people, mainly people I feel can be trusted with the information... I simply don't go telling strangers every and anything, but those close to me, I don't think I tend to keep many secrets about myself, I'm a rather open fellow. I am an open book, and that, may be a reason I am still single. Yes, it all returns to that, but it is something that is always on my mind. And to be honest, at this point, this stage in my life, with how I am now, and how things have wound up, I really do not know if I want a girlfriend, or a friend with benefits. I know my hormones are raging, and I know the "end result" of what I desire, but, what I don't know, is how far "deep" I want to go. Do I want a relationship with a purely and solely carnal basis, or one that has deep significance? And to be honest, I'm not feeling either extreme right now. I would prefer a good friend, someone who I can talk to about problems, and have their emotional load dumped on as well, with a carnal aspect as well. Yea, all those who read this, who I imagine, is actually quite few, will probably be pushed away, unless this was already known. At least, the females.

Oh, actually, they would not be pushed from that, but this instead. My realization about myself. This will not come out to coherent, in my opinion, but I will try my best. And actually, those who know me, probably know this, but I don't think of women as I "should". Well, Pineapple, what on this green earth does that mean? Well, I guess I should say first what I think women "should" be thought as. As people. That wasn't too hard, wasn't it? Now, I do not mean I don't think of women as people. That is far from it. Well frack, this is not coherent at all... But I persevere. If you follow this, kudos. I think only a few will. I guess the easiest way may easily be to say "conquests"? But that is still not right. Dang. Um, stream of consciousness going on here. Most of my female friends, I would have sex with. Most, if you don't know if you are one, your are dense, or I wouldn't :-). I guess that is the easiest way to say it. And I'm pretty sure, the 2-3 who read this, will probably put me on blast...
And I think that is one reason why I feel I have trouble making female friends, because I want to talk to the ones I wouldn't mind... being with, and want to approach them with that in mind, but know that is not the way to approach a female, so I don't. I am thinking back now, and I think all of my female friends, started off as friends of another, or we were in a forced situation together, or a combination of the two. But now, yea, they are great people, and I like talking to them, but because of my mindset, I don't think I can, I have a problem with, having a one on one conversation, as in simply shooting the breeze with them, by myself. I can't talk to them, without thinking of what I would like to happen. Which I know will not happen. Which is I guess depressing, and unhappy. So I don't make female friends, by myself, often. I am always the third wheel in a group, and may, or may not be, introduced to the person.

Something that maybe I should change, but can't. So I stay like this, because, I don't meet any female, on my own, and certainly, none who think like I do. At least I don't think so, because I don't talk about that kind of thing with the female friends I do have, because it is, to me, a taboo area. Yep, I'm fracked.




-Pineapple