I find that a bit funny, at least a little bit, because I believe I have no passion, about anything. You may think that is impossible, but I am quite sure that I do not. I have not much drive for anything, to be specialized in any field. I guess I'll have to say what passion is for me. Passion would be liking something, or wanting something. And then having the urge, the drive, the discipline to act on it. To go out and learn about it, to gain more information about it, and begin to form ones own educated opinions about the subject. To become a small professional about the subject. There are lots of things that I like, and want. But I find I don't really have the drive, I am not passionate enough about them to do something about it. I have friends who have passions, everyone around me seems to have one, or more, and I can see it in their faces, hear it in their voice when they talk about that subject. And I wonder, what am I missing, what do I not have that they do, where did I go wrong?
I can't answer that. But, I think I am ok with my lack of passion. It does make me feel aimless, which I may be, but, I'll figure something out. Probably.
And the blog feels cut short. I lost my train of thought about halfway through. Taxes, and my super-slow comp on the mind.
-Pineapple
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Push it forward! NO, PULL IT BACK!!!
This will be an entropic conglomeration of internal and external thoughts about myself, as I pertain to females.
Things I have come to realize, and that have been told to me, and there may [WILL] be more discoveries along the way, so I may be forever editing this blog, or make new ones, and call them chapters.
One thing a friend once told me was that, I am too forward. I have been thinking about it ever since he told me that, a few weeks ago, and, I have come to the conclusion that, he is right. I am not "sneaky" enough. I let my intentions be known too quickly, too easily. Why, I am not sure. It may come from the fact that I don't really keep secrets about myself very well. Everyone else, I am their Fort Knox, but when it comes to me personally, I don't really care, letting things known to people, mainly people I feel can be trusted with the information... I simply don't go telling strangers every and anything, but those close to me, I don't think I tend to keep many secrets about myself, I'm a rather open fellow. I am an open book, and that, may be a reason I am still single. Yes, it all returns to that, but it is something that is always on my mind. And to be honest, at this point, this stage in my life, with how I am now, and how things have wound up, I really do not know if I want a girlfriend, or a friend with benefits. I know my hormones are raging, and I know the "end result" of what I desire, but, what I don't know, is how far "deep" I want to go. Do I want a relationship with a purely and solely carnal basis, or one that has deep significance? And to be honest, I'm not feeling either extreme right now. I would prefer a good friend, someone who I can talk to about problems, and have their emotional load dumped on as well, with a carnal aspect as well. Yea, all those who read this, who I imagine, is actually quite few, will probably be pushed away, unless this was already known. At least, the females.
Oh, actually, they would not be pushed from that, but this instead. My realization about myself. This will not come out to coherent, in my opinion, but I will try my best. And actually, those who know me, probably know this, but I don't think of women as I "should". Well, Pineapple, what on this green earth does that mean? Well, I guess I should say first what I think women "should" be thought as. As people. That wasn't too hard, wasn't it? Now, I do not mean I don't think of women as people. That is far from it. Well frack, this is not coherent at all... But I persevere. If you follow this, kudos. I think only a few will. I guess the easiest way may easily be to say "conquests"? But that is still not right. Dang. Um, stream of consciousness going on here. Most of my female friends, I would have sex with. Most, if you don't know if you are one, your are dense, or I wouldn't :-). I guess that is the easiest way to say it. And I'm pretty sure, the 2-3 who read this, will probably put me on blast...
And I think that is one reason why I feel I have trouble making female friends, because I want to talk to the ones I wouldn't mind... being with, and want to approach them with that in mind, but know that is not the way to approach a female, so I don't. I am thinking back now, and I think all of my female friends, started off as friends of another, or we were in a forced situation together, or a combination of the two. But now, yea, they are great people, and I like talking to them, but because of my mindset, I don't think I can, I have a problem with, having a one on one conversation, as in simply shooting the breeze with them, by myself. I can't talk to them, without thinking of what I would like to happen. Which I know will not happen. Which is I guess depressing, and unhappy. So I don't make female friends, by myself, often. I am always the third wheel in a group, and may, or may not be, introduced to the person.
Something that maybe I should change, but can't. So I stay like this, because, I don't meet any female, on my own, and certainly, none who think like I do. At least I don't think so, because I don't talk about that kind of thing with the female friends I do have, because it is, to me, a taboo area. Yep, I'm fracked.
-Pineapple
Things I have come to realize, and that have been told to me, and there may [WILL] be more discoveries along the way, so I may be forever editing this blog, or make new ones, and call them chapters.
One thing a friend once told me was that, I am too forward. I have been thinking about it ever since he told me that, a few weeks ago, and, I have come to the conclusion that, he is right. I am not "sneaky" enough. I let my intentions be known too quickly, too easily. Why, I am not sure. It may come from the fact that I don't really keep secrets about myself very well. Everyone else, I am their Fort Knox, but when it comes to me personally, I don't really care, letting things known to people, mainly people I feel can be trusted with the information... I simply don't go telling strangers every and anything, but those close to me, I don't think I tend to keep many secrets about myself, I'm a rather open fellow. I am an open book, and that, may be a reason I am still single. Yes, it all returns to that, but it is something that is always on my mind. And to be honest, at this point, this stage in my life, with how I am now, and how things have wound up, I really do not know if I want a girlfriend, or a friend with benefits. I know my hormones are raging, and I know the "end result" of what I desire, but, what I don't know, is how far "deep" I want to go. Do I want a relationship with a purely and solely carnal basis, or one that has deep significance? And to be honest, I'm not feeling either extreme right now. I would prefer a good friend, someone who I can talk to about problems, and have their emotional load dumped on as well, with a carnal aspect as well. Yea, all those who read this, who I imagine, is actually quite few, will probably be pushed away, unless this was already known. At least, the females.
Oh, actually, they would not be pushed from that, but this instead. My realization about myself. This will not come out to coherent, in my opinion, but I will try my best. And actually, those who know me, probably know this, but I don't think of women as I "should". Well, Pineapple, what on this green earth does that mean? Well, I guess I should say first what I think women "should" be thought as. As people. That wasn't too hard, wasn't it? Now, I do not mean I don't think of women as people. That is far from it. Well frack, this is not coherent at all... But I persevere. If you follow this, kudos. I think only a few will. I guess the easiest way may easily be to say "conquests"? But that is still not right. Dang. Um, stream of consciousness going on here. Most of my female friends, I would have sex with. Most, if you don't know if you are one, your are dense, or I wouldn't :-). I guess that is the easiest way to say it. And I'm pretty sure, the 2-3 who read this, will probably put me on blast...
And I think that is one reason why I feel I have trouble making female friends, because I want to talk to the ones I wouldn't mind... being with, and want to approach them with that in mind, but know that is not the way to approach a female, so I don't. I am thinking back now, and I think all of my female friends, started off as friends of another, or we were in a forced situation together, or a combination of the two. But now, yea, they are great people, and I like talking to them, but because of my mindset, I don't think I can, I have a problem with, having a one on one conversation, as in simply shooting the breeze with them, by myself. I can't talk to them, without thinking of what I would like to happen. Which I know will not happen. Which is I guess depressing, and unhappy. So I don't make female friends, by myself, often. I am always the third wheel in a group, and may, or may not be, introduced to the person.
Something that maybe I should change, but can't. So I stay like this, because, I don't meet any female, on my own, and certainly, none who think like I do. At least I don't think so, because I don't talk about that kind of thing with the female friends I do have, because it is, to me, a taboo area. Yep, I'm fracked.
-Pineapple
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